09 Aug Nice to Meet You, Ego

“Many people, but especially women, feel fraudulent when they are praised for their accomplishments. Instead of feeling worthy of recognition, they feel undeserving and guilty, as if a mistake has been made. Despite being high achievers, even experts in their fields, women can’t seem to shake the sense that it is only a matter of time until they are found out for who they really are- impostors with limited skills or abilities.”  – Sheryl Sandberg in Lean In

I thoroughly resonated with Lean In, but the single most hard-hitting and meaningful point of the book for me personally was precisely this notion about feeling like a fraud.

“The beauty of this impostor syndrome is you vacillate between extreme egomania, and a complete feeling of: ‘I’m a fraud! Oh god, they’re on to me! I’m a fraud!”  Even in her current role as C.O.O. of Facebook Sheryl writes, “I still face situations that I fear are beyond my qualifications. I still have days when I feel like a fraud.”  – Sheryl Sandberg

I can’t begin to count the times that I’ve been my normal self-deprecating soul, where I would beat myself up a hundred times in my head about why I neglected to ask XYZ question or mention ABC point to a client. It will be on instant replay in my mind. It is a regular course of business for me to dismiss compliments, thinking that I’m just lucky in the right place at the right time, with enlightened mentors and bosses, and surrounded by perfect teammates. I recall getting my scores for a grad school entrance exam and thinking there was surely a mistake or system glitch. With each new team I’m on, I always feel that insatiable need to prove myself, yet again and again.

Sure, we all have our moments when we feel like a top dog, on-top-of-the-world confident, with a healthy sense of ego. And then there are other times when there are seedlings of doubt. It could be during a moment of being hotly challenged in a group setting, the quiet stressful moments before delivering a big presentation, when being given critical feedback on a project, or when being given a brand new opportunity that is above our comfort level. As entrepreneurs, you might experience this when you find yourself doing the fundraising circuit, pitching your concept to strategic partners and even customers. People will poke holes at what you’ve got, and they will challenge you to convince them on why you will succeed.

It takes a conscious mind shift to remind the voices in your head to have faith in yourself. Yes, you belong here. Yes, you are quite capable. Yes, you have proven experience to perform. Yes, you are a critical thinker and solid problem solver. Yes, you can address these challenges. Yes, you know the right people and can figure this out. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes! You got this!

It’s amazing how common this imposter syndrome is. It’s also interesting to me that this phenomenon more frequently affects women.

I remember reading an article that talked about this gender discrepancy, describing a roomful of new parents, where they asked if anyone in the room felt like an expert in breastfeeding. Sure enough, no women in the room stepped forward with confidence, yet a man raised his hand and declared himself an expert because he had watched his wife successfully master this. What is it that makes us women feel a twinge less self righteous about our own abilities and accomplishments?

The “imposter syndrome” was discovered by psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes in 1978, and according to a longtime lecturer on the phenomenon, Valerie Young, Ed.D., little has changed in the last three decades—except that more women than ever are susceptible.

It is “always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You feel as if you’ve flown under the radar, been lucky or that they just like you. If you dismiss your accomplishments and abilities, you’re left with one conclusion: That you’ve fooled them.” – Valerie Young, The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women

While both men and women experience the impostor syndrome, studies show that women are more often affected and more likely to suffer the consequences. According to Young, boys are raised to bluff and exaggerate. Girls, on the other hand, learn early to distrust their opinions and stifle their voices. They discover they are judged by the highest physical, behavioral and intellectual standards. Perfection becomes the goal, and every flaw, mistake or criticism is internalized—slowly hollowing out self-confidence. Even those women who escaped childhood with a relatively strong sense of themselves will face more than just a psychological barrier. 

— Jenna Goudreau, Forbes “When Women Feel Like Frauds They Fuel Their Own Failures”

It is so helpful to be aware that this is a natural and common mindset. Whether you are climbing the rungs of a corporate ladder or carving your own pathway as an entrepreneur, you can give yourself permission to recognize the pattern.   From that acknowledgement point, you can train yourself to celebrate your own successes, in your own humble way. It’s okay to be proud of yourself. Brag a little to your number one. Similarly, embrace your failures. The fact that you failed means that you had the guts to take a risk and try. The infinite learnings you will have gained from mistakes will put you at an advantage.

We need to teach women to have a fake it til you make it mentality. And to exude confidence in situations where they don’t necessarily feel it authentically. Perception is everything. You can be knock knee’d inside and on the verge or throwing up with uncertainty. It is okay to not know all of the answers. The thing about entrepreneurs and their spirit is that you have a strength and intensity for learning and solving problems of any scale. But do your best to be assertive and that is when you will win people over with persuasion. You will do great, and then people will look up to you, partner with you, and follow you.